confusion

2010-06-07T13:23:00.002+08:00

what the fuck. I've been asking for help since god-fucking-knows when and no one helps me. no one gives a fucking single suggestion.

don't blame me for not caring because everyone else doesn't

you didn't tell me anything was even confirmed. don't tell me that i'm not 'on the ball' about something that wasn't even confirmed with me.

SJII SCHOLARSHIP!!!!!

2009-10-16T09:33:00.002+08:00

I GOT IT. do you have any idea how ecstatic i feel? like, OH MY GOD. I GOT IT.

lofty aspirations

2009-10-04T10:55:00.002+08:00

you know, i had set so many targets for myself, it's no wonder why i keep feeling disappointed.

i want to see the world.

i want to design great things

i want to show the world that i can do.

i want to master photography.

i want to have a best friend.

i want to write wonderful stories.

i want to keep every memory.

i want to be slim [LOLS].

i want to be a great friend.

i want to stop myself from being such a fucking bitch so often.

i want to sing.

i want to perform.

i want to be someone special to another.

i want to leave my mark in the world.

i want to live.

god i'm such an egoistical fucker. add one more, i want to have a smaller ego.

signing off,

julian hallems

SJII rejected me

2009-10-02T19:51:00.000+08:00

"Dear Applicant

Thank you for you interest in the SJI International IB Scholarship.

We regret to inform you that you have not been shortlisted for the interview round of the selection process."

i've been staring at this for the past 20 minutes. and i can't believe that i'm actually tearing up about this. I never even got the chance to show them my prelim scores. i mean, a L1R5 of 10 isn't bad right? i can understand if they judged me based on my previous scores because they weren't very fantastic but surely that doesn't automatically mean i did badly for prelims!

i just wish they gave me that chance.

your kiss

2009-09-29T14:53:00.002+08:00

i closed my eyes this morning

in tiredness i dreamt a scene

and how the day we started

came flooding back again

the darkness that shrouded

didn't seem to matter

because in my hand was yours

and all i saw were your eyes

moving in closer

i feel the warmth of your skin

your hand twitches

and your eyes widen

as the door clicks a lock

you stared at me

and soon we were in embrace

looking longingly in each other's eyes

i say no

you pull me closer

and so i move nearer

you move forward

and fireworks flew

let's just say... i wrote this a long time ago.

haha i found this on my table. thought it'd be cool to share it.

i think if i transformed this into prose, it'll be so interesting. definitely like, PG13 or something. but interesting nonetheless.

signing off,

julian hallems

if britney were president.

2009-09-03T18:21:00.001+08:00

3 words: LAUGH OUT LOUD.

signing off,

julian hallems

i hate my family sometimes

2009-09-02T14:49:00.003+08:00

Everytime i fall sick in this house, it's always the case where my entire family just thinks i'm faking it.

how the hell do you fake a fever? how do you fake a sore throat? how do you fake having puffy eyes?

they have no idea what kind of discomfort i'm feeling and expect things to be as per normal. yet when my sisters are the ones falling sick, there's no doubt. fuck this. fuck all this.

it's like, it's a crime for me to fall sick. when my sisters are sick, they get to stay home all day and do whatever without my mum nagging. when i fall sick, my mum expects me to still go for tuition and study for O levels. i can't even freaking sit here and do my artwork without falling asleep let alone pay attention in tuition. so ridiculous. and it's fucking pissing me off.

i don't need to impress you

2009-08-18T19:27:00.003+08:00

i'm going to be whoever the fuck i want to be

i'm going to be friends with whoever i deem fit

and none of you are allowed to say any shit about it.

i wanted to write something, but i just can't remember what. oh well, then that's that. i guess the old brain juice died when studying for prelims.

oh but i found out something really cool about myself. when i listen to a song and study something, i'll remember the song during the exam and as i sing the song in my head, i remember all my facts! AWESOME SHIZZ YO.

oh yeah, i just remembered what i wanted to type here. you know that bloody rude tag on my cbox? yeah i took quite a bit of offence to that for more reasons than one. i mean what do you mean "even for someone like you"? is that supposed to tell me that there's some kinda of stigma that's been attached to me? am i supposed to be that awesomely deep person who can talk about major discussion topics with people all the time? i'm sorry to disappoint you.

maybe in the past i tried too hard to be that kind of person, you know, to be someone people can see and say "whoa, he's matured way past his age" and i'd feel really good about myself after that. but i'm just a kid. just that fat kid who goes to school everyday and experiences the same stresses that everyone else goes through. perhaps you may find me abnormal. it's okay, i think i'm pretty weird a lot of the time too. but that's just me.

on a random note, i have no idea what i just typed up there. it probably doesn't make sense? and my english dies when i come online for some reason. oh well. english prelims are over. so i won't need to worry about writing for a while.

signing off,

glen kilian koh

Malumm Prohibitum

2009-08-02T22:27:00.002+08:00

haha omg they mention singapore in Legally Blonde - The Musical!

"an act prohibited by law like jaywalking or chewing gum in singapore!"

HAHAHAHAHA.

don't ask me why i'm watching it. but i am and it's so damn funny!

God's playing with me

2009-08-01T17:48:00.002+08:00

I'm consistently surprised by the big man upstairs. today was no different.

this morning i woke up as per usual and did the daily routine, as i was getting ready to leave the house to meet Keith at KAP, i noticed that my rosary ring and my necklace with my silver cross on my table. I haven't worn them in months and so i suddenly had the urge to wear them today.

that's where all the fun starts.

So I met Keith and had breakfast before we met up with everyone else at CJC for the ELL symposium. which by the way, was extremely interesting and really captured my interest. If i go to CJC, that'll definitely be my choice for a subject. but the real beauty of today was after the talk.

I finally had the chance to catch up with Kevin after so long. that was awesome. went to Pizza Hut in Toa Payoh with a bunch of the SJI guys + Kevin and then rode back with Kevin. Talking to Kevin, it really made me realise how much i've been holding myself back from expressing myself lately. I kept telling myself not to be a burden for someone else to the extent that i completely forgot to express myself altogether.

Walking back home from the bus stop, i began thinking about how i don't exactly have that "best" friend. Someone i know i can always count on and be able to do whatever lame thing with. and just then i heard someone shout my name from above. Turns out that it was Nathanael who was at the carpark rooftop asking me to help him get a shuttlecock. He was here to have bonding time with his cell group. like whoa, Nat's a cell group leader. haha. well, for those who've known Nat and I since Primary school, you'd know that Nat and I were Best Friends from P3-P5.

So remember when i said i was saying i haven't exactly had a real conversation about my life with anyone lately? I had the conversation of a lifetime with Nat on the rooftop. yeah, my bladder was bursting while i stood there with him, but it didn't seem to matter because that conversation was so... what's the word i'm looking for... powerful? We caught up 5 years of lost friendship and started on a clean slate. That was great.

Yeah i realise it's not that clear a story, but it's been truly a wonderful and emotional day. Walking back home from the carpark, i was literally smiling to myself saying "God, you really love to play with me don't you.".

I've realised that God always seems to find the perfect ways to bring me back to see his glory whenever i begin to feel spiritually weakened. He ALWAYS seems to find a way to make me believe again. I truly believe today was no little coincedence. I truly believe it was planned to coincide with my doubts and tribulations.

But most importantly for me, today i received the closure and the apology that i've waited for for 5 years. it was truly, renewing. and now, i have my best friend again. Let's hope this will last.

signing off,

julian hallems

FML.

2009-07-08T17:40:00.002+08:00

much as i don't want to rant about all this but seriously today has been THE worst day i've had this year. meanwhile i am going to be wallowing in my self pity in my extreme loneliness and lack of what everyone seems to call "a life".

oh FML.

signing off,

julian hallems

hiatus

2009-07-01T23:29:00.003+08:00

hey all, it's officially the 1st of July. and it's 6 weeks to Prelims. in other words...

HIATUS
till Prelims are over

yeah, i'm cutting off computer from now till then. just so i can widen the rift between myself and every other person i know.

signing off,
julian hallems

inferiority complex

2009-06-28T11:33:00.002+08:00

you know, i should totally stop reading the blogs of people who are older than me. Because some how, some way, i always feel really really stupid after reading them. and it also reminds me of how distant i've been from old friends lately. well, then again, they ARE older and in a different school with different people so of course things would be different.

i don't know, may i'm just simply stuck in the past again.

MOVE FORWARD MAN. MOVE FORWARD.

but somehow, it's always hard to.

signing off,

julian hallems

dead

2009-06-24T21:11:00.002+08:00

I bet this blog gets a traffic of like, one visitor per day. [iow, me. Since it's my homepage]

i'm sorry. i'm really trying to get this site up as a portfolio. once i figure out Flash CS3, i'll get work on it. worse come to worse, after O's?

well this is just a general update.

Things are gonna be more and more hectic when school starts. Re-studying Maths and Lit, Chinese O's aren't over just yet either. who knows whether they'll push it back or not with all this H1N1 shizz. Not to mention O Level Art, which is btw killing my brain trying to think of an original concept with my "style" in it. even though i have no clue whatsoever what kind of style i have. pfft. well, at least i'm doing something i like. though i really want to redo the panel with Michelle in it! new layout!!!!! argh. but not allowed. I can't seem to get any suitable family photos, and asking my friends to pose for me just feels so weird.

at the same time, i'm trying to catch up with old friends, hopefully i can meet up with them from time to time. convince Zhibin to relax and go out for a movie once in a while, or a concert! figuring out ways to patch up friendships and whatnot. get addicted to a song and listen to it 100 times without getting sick of it. Figure out what i'm going to do with my life and get closer to God while i'm at it. oh and also pick up my horn and play my ass off again for the Botanic Gardens concert. I MUST PERFORM!!!!!! URGH. and try to get myself into AP if it's even possible. get my attendance up... don't get H1N1 and uh. yeah i think that's all. shrugs. everyone's expecting something from me. so i gotta perform, not just to expectations, but to exceed them. i shall aim to shock the world. i have to.

yeah, i am totally adding pressure on myself. but heck, my parents bought a new OSIM chair which should be coming in next week. i shall use that to relax while listening to my fave tunes.

if you really want any more updates from me, check out my facebook? can't really get my butt up to type much here on blogger.

signing off,

Julian Hallems

ENCOUNTER

2009-06-19T21:52:00.002+08:00

okay at long last i have finally gotten my butt up to type about ENCOUNTER camp.

honestly, i wish i was still at camp even at this second. who cares if there was no internet, who cares if i had to stay in the same building all the time, ENCOUNTER was awesome. [I AM AWESOME, YOU ARE AWESOME, because we're made by GOD!] haha.

I really felt a lot of very very strong feelings during the camp. Thanks to paps advice the night before, i decided to really take the chance to try and find God again. I guess God's giving me a sign by giving me this camp at a time when my faith was really at its lowest. and God's really given me the blessing of the people around me who spurred me to attend the camp anyways. even though like, only 6 people from my level were going. I finally practised what i preached during the camp. How i would always share in Legion in school "you want your faith to be something? you have to put in the effort to make it something". and at last i finally put in the effort to let myself be taken in by God. and the emotions i felt were just, amazing. I can say that i have changed so much over the past 3 days. and to prove it, i decided to give some extracts from the only 2 big reflections that i had written during the camp. one at the beginning of the camp, and one at the end of the journey.

in the beginning:

...All my life everyone has always said to me "oh you're so holy" or "hi future-priest" and things like that. In a way it felt to me like my life was going to be planned out for me and i had no other choice but to just go along with the whole thing. After the events of last year, I entered 2009 with the attitude of wanting things to change for the better. But as 2009 progressed, it began to dawn on me that somethings would never change. No matter how much i would wish for things to go back to the way they all once were. i got so caught up in my own thoughts of nostalgia. I forgot that I needed to move forward. I went to school with the impression that no one really cared about me to begin with. the pressures that came in from Art and Band never really did anything to ease me either. After a while, no one trusted me to do my work well anymore. Everyone just seemed to just put the blame on me without ever considering that maybe i was greatly affected myself. God never seemed to be there for me. the idea of prayer began to irritate me as it seemed like just an easy answer for people to shove me away. going to church with friends began to feel like a chore and the idea of Catholicism began to feel like it dragged my life down. There were no more "let's pray about it" because i felt that i would not get an answer either way. and reading a random bunch of words in the bible or singing some praise and worship songs just wasn't going to be enough for me to believe in him. I guess i really needed to feel God's presence in my life. I might be asking for too much but i really needed to know he was still with me....

at the end:

...the very powerful sharings that happened on the first day. all building up to the highlight that was the praying-over sessions for me by Marianne and Nicholas. This surge of energy flowed through their hands on my back as they prayed with me. It remained with me and I could feel this huge pain on my chest the rest of the night. It was like as though something was pushing out the pains i had been hiding for my emotional self. I woke up the next morning with the pains all gone and my heart feeling lighter than it had ever been before. and that was like the beginning of God's healing touch on me. The next day, God continued to heal me through the imagery session. Going into the session, i thought i would have simply fallen asleep standing up. But for some strange reason, i formed the figure of a face of a man in my head, like as though the lights in my mind were molding to form an image. Then i heard the word "Mary" and another figure formed in my head. Next thing i knew, i felt a certain warmth, and the feeling of someone embracing me. The feeling was just so comforting and i could feel the weight of someone on my back, holding me very tightly. It was just such a great comfort that i could not help but break down in tears. I apologised to God for having doubted him for so long, and then i felt someone's hands on mine and i heard someone telling me that he was real and that embrace made me feel like everything was okay again, not to mention that i felt myself shaking uncontrollably. I found God, and i found him to be real once more....

imagine having such a powerful experience in a mere two days. I never want to forget the people who've given me the greatest experience of my life in a mere two days. Brother Jude, Jarvis, Marianne, Nicholas, Jude Tan, Ashley, Brendan Chai, Dominic Chai, Samuel Ng, Ben Byrne, Sandra Lee, CASSandra [Kit], Geri Seah, Jervis Kang, Kelly Tseng, Justin Chan, Pamela Tay, Kevin Ke, Matthew , Adrian, Kevin Chan, Damien Teo, Ben Sew, Alex Teoh, Marcus Teoh, Gerald Gan. and i hope i didn't miss out anyone!

God is real. and now i really and truly believe.

although, coming home from camp has been one of the hardest things to do because now i have to rely on myself to keep this faith of mine going. but i know i'll always have the Legion people behind me. we'll see where this goes.

i can't believe i'm saying this but, PRAISE GOD. ALLELUIA. ENCOUNTER GOD. BELIEVE THAT HE WILL MAKE HIMSELF KNOWN TO YOU. and there's really nothing more comforting than having an embrace from God.

signing off,

julian hallems.

subtle hintings

2009-06-13T23:51:00.004+08:00

subtle hintings that go unnoticed
messages that never go through
mail never received
lyrics taken plainly

thus is the curse of the one who mourns
the boy that realised one foreshadowed day
that the mouth serves a sheath of words like daggers
where it is best to simply keep it closed

yet somedays he wants to scream
only to realise the solitude of his predicament
surrounded by plain white walls
a reflection of himself that stares back in wonder

restrictions of thought a main focus
so as not to disappoint further
the expectations of the ones who believed
that boy could someday be great

no one really knew that boy
despite the subtle hintings that he gave
words became a study
and status became a state of mind

resonance of the peals of bells
they seemed to numb the mind
so no hurt can come, no hurt may leave
until deemed so worthy

the crucifix affixed on the walls
the aura it emitted once was so strong
now even in time of need
that glow grows dimmer

he needed a friend
yet no one stopped to wonder
he fell to the floor
but no one ever noticed

he shouted for attention
yet they snubbed and walked along
the boy who cried wolf they seemed to think
a captured pinnochio nothing more

a facade of strength
seemed to fool even the smartest of minds
a mask of jubilee
failed fallen flittered into the distance

his mind is weakening
his heart is unweaving
at the breaking point he is about to fall
one slight breath and he just might

the fragility of the human psyche
shattering into shards of glass
cutting though every heatbeat
that boy felt himself bleed

no one around for him to call
no one around that really cared
no one around to lend a hand
sheer dumb luck and extreme pain

friends that used to be so close
a family with solace he could find
one year passes and everything changes
only to find himself left behind

control. by julian hallems

NEW TOY

2009-06-11T20:25:00.003+08:00

got a new toy today!

smexy isn't it?

signing off,
julian hallems

NUM

2009-06-10T23:03:00.003+08:00

haha. look at my latest addition to the family of stuff i have.

haha. bought them after chinese tuition today. thank goodness Loo, Seow and Justin were there to accompany me. or i'd feel like a total idiot! and i realised today that i can make any expensive thing look cheap. -.- i don't know whether to take that as a good thing or not! haha

oh and i'm hoping to be able to go for lunch with the skinners next wed! still haven't asked mum yet. but i think it should be fine. since i've got nothing else on that day anyways.

signing off,
julian hallems

ups and downs

2009-06-07T12:55:00.002+08:00

really, i want to say a lot of things right about now.
and i was this close to writing a kick-ass poem.
but for some reason. i can't find the words to begin.
ok. let's just try this again.

Expectations. stop playing tricks on my head
Deceptions. keep changing the route i choose
Reality. as always, bites me in the rear
Disappointment. oh won't you disappear

Frolic. numbs the mind from despair
Flame. reminisce of memories of old
Crossroads. they have appeared once again
Decisions. one thing man should never have to make

Clutter. block out the thought
Fool. only fooling yourself
Tricks. to deceive the mind
Locks. to keep in the secrets

Humility. does it ever exist
Genuine. may actually be false
Imitation. a good thing to behold
Barriers. built to strengthen the clutter.

Optimism. not to be believed
Pessimism. not to be concealed
Relations. don't mean a thing
Religion. the only redeeming quality

Reunion. the exuberence of joy
Chord. sung in perfect harmony
Embrace. given in pure love
Belonging. a sensation so amazing

Stranger, just who might you be
let me welcome you to our family
spanning many ages of many forms
yet all connected through one room

an upper room above a hall
where prayers are said and tears are shed
earnest to give of ourselves
there's no need to shy away

Chalet. by julian hallems

well. could use some tweaks.

legion day one

2009-06-06T00:47:00.002+08:00

oh man. this night has got be one of the best nights i've ever had. i have NEVER laughed this hard before. my cheeks are so sore!

badminton rackets - about $70
Shuttlecock - 50cents
watching melvin and akira play badminton in the LT - priceless.

happy o levels

2009-06-01T22:05:00.003+08:00

haha for those who don't already know. yeah i fell asleep during my O Levels today.... Paper 2. I COULDN'T HELP IT! I NEEDED TO PEE AND THE PAPER WENT BLURRY.
well anyways. here's something that really cracked me up today.

p.s. check out my poems on facebook.

signing off,
julian hallems

solitude

2009-05-30T23:20:00.004+08:00

one small wave
the turning of heads
one change in stance
the memoirs of a dark past

a glance at words
the head starts spinning
an inkling of insecurity
the sinking of titanic

the absence of sound
a dejection truly felt
a simple sentence from you
a rejection truly made

the curiosity of a boy
a complication made
a chance that was given
the scorn that was portrayed

the principle of the thing
just turned into the humiliation of the act
the solidarity of the act
turned to solitude of a man

as i sit here and stare
at the pictures of old
the memories that return
aren't really of jolly hope

these memories of joy
that went away
these memories of love
that flitted into the distance

the words of a man
that ring in my ear
it's not life that sucks
but the thing that made it seem so

the concept is grasped
the execution is elusive
but who else can i turn to
in my moments of solitude

psyche by julian hallems

29th may 2009

2009-05-29T23:51:00.001+08:00

well. as many would already know. 29th May is a very momentous date in my life.
so how exactly was this sad sad writer of this post able to survive such a tremendously painful day?
simple, i didn't go to school for art today. no stimulus for thought, no flashbacks. or at least, that's what i believed. anyways i didn't really have anything to work with for art to begin with, so i didn't really see a point in me going to school.
so i started my day eating a hellalot of food for breakfast. [think, 3 packets of instant noodles with chicken and egg] and lazed around trying to digest that for 2 hours in front of the tv. as grace always says "fat people digest horizontally"
then whilst talking to Isaac online. Mum decided to drag me to help my aunt shift house. so i was busied with helping to pack, seal and label boxes to be moved by the movers tomorrow. so that kept me busy till like, 12?
then we came home and lazed around. Mum and Dad left to help out again at 2. and i was left alone at home. and of course, it's dangerous to leave this poor boy alone. his imagination always runs wild. well this time when it hit 3pm it really stuck me that it was seriously, ONE FULL YEAR! and that was that! flashbacks for about half an hour. but this time. it wasn't at all painful. well, compared to the last flashback i had about it like, half a year ago?
well my ipod entertained me and walking about novena square helped to keep my mind off it all. saw TY and a few others at Surf N Rider. haha.
well then it was tuition and more moving of stuff and blah blah.

basically. i survived because i had things to keep my mind off the whole thing the entire day. and that was awesome.

tomorrow i'll write the note i'd been meaning to write for a long time now.
i hope things will be going back to normal soon.

signing off,
julian hallems

tryin'

2009-05-27T22:47:00.002+08:00

i'm trying really hard to keep my head straight
trying really hard to keep myself from falling
the fatigue of the attempt is getting to me
2 more days, just 2 more days.

i'm tired.

i don't want to do this anymore.

signing off,
julian hallems

sittin'

2009-05-26T21:05:00.002+08:00

9:00pm: yeps, i'm sittin' here. mm hmm. still sitting.
9:01pm: hmm, it's a little hot, maybe i'll turn on the portable fan. [goes to turn on the fan]
9:03pm: ok... i'm sitting here again. yep. this is gonna be a hot post. yes it will! uhm... yeah. you know.. today was... yeah... you know... yeah, that was today.
9:05pm: maybe i should begin my chinese homework. it's getting pretty late. and o levels are like, next monday. or... maybe i'll stone here for a bit. i'm kinda tired.
9:06pm: oh wait. do i have any other homework? oh mann.....
9:07pm: oh i just remembered. i bought that new Melody Gardot CD the other day... i should go listen. [opens iTunes] ooh. i'll listen to Kings of Leon first.
9:08pm: [sings along to "Use Somebody" and "Revelry"]
9:12pm: ok... i'm too lazy to get the cd out of my bag. pfft.
9:14pm: ok. i shall stop stoning. i'll go get something to do.

man. that post took a while to do, how draining.

signing off,
julian hallems.

hsm3

2009-05-25T20:18:00.002+08:00

i swear, on a really bad day like today, watching High School Musical 3 was a really good consolation for me. YES. you read it right, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL THREE. such feel-good movies just really soothe the fired soul.

well well. today's been an emotional rollercoaster. so i needed that brain destruction. yeah. i told mother the atrocious results in the car. so yeah..... thank god, i'm not getting screwed yet. though i am being guilt-tripped. pfft. never works. so yeah

signing off,
julian hallems

death

2009-05-23T14:13:00.006+08:00

Death keeps trying to enter
but Fate and Chance keeps blocking the door

Love is consoling Hurt
while Pain just adds salt to the wound

Destiny is prancing around the room
while Happy is laughing and skipping

Sadness is slapping himself
and Indifference is playing with blocks

mother Memory is reminding everyone to behave
but as usual, Stubborn never listens

father Fierce will be scolding soon
so Cowardice hides behind Courage

Fear is shivering behind Justice
and then Evil barracades them altogether

just a thought, what ever happened to Peace?

oh, Peace went along with the boy who ran away.
where to? probably to hide till Need looks for her again.

playing hide and seek with Innocence,
Guilt seeks to hunt him down.

WANTED by julian hallems

2009-05-22T20:03:00.002+08:00

i'm waiting so long for justice to be served.
no more waiting for reconciliation. i'm sick of being called a dog.
bastard, i hope you just die. literally. i'll laugh.

i'm disappointed

2009-05-20T23:01:00.002+08:00

i personally, was really disappointed with the single they wrote for the american idol finalists.
it was so plainly and blatant that the song was written specially so Adam could scream his lungs out at every chance he got. and they wrote the key too high for Kris. is this some sort of conspiracy theory to make sure that Adam won?

i hope America's smart enough to choose the person who's really got the skill and hasn't been favoured throughout the whole competition. heh.

VXV

2009-05-18T18:47:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESkvcEPg2UQ&feature=channel_page

It's alright, It's okay by Ashley Tisdale.
this song has kept me alive today. :D

i changed the skin back to this old one. because as THE date approaches, i suppose a trainwreck would describe perfectly how i'd be when the day really arrives.

fuck.

signing off,
julian hallems

2009-05-16T00:27:00.005+08:00

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

haha. i think this is really hilarious.
"a workaholic, a shopaholic and according to the state of California, an alcoholic as well as a threat to all security guards, if they work in hotels"

i've heard about this video. never found it till i saw it on pseudosentiment.blogspot.com awesome. haha.

"a redhead who's crazy"

signing off,
julian hallems

interesting

2009-05-15T19:02:00.002+08:00

well, mid years are officially over. though for some reason i'm not all that excited that it's over. i feel like just meeting someone, sitting down and stoning for 3 hours. shrugs. mid years took a lot out of me i guess. ___ and ___ are quarelling again, and i've learnt to be a little more quiet in school. you can sense when you're not really welcome amongst a bunch of people. sometimes it's best for both to just stay away from each other? even though no reason might be given. right ___ ____? right ________? right ___ ____? right _____?

well i shall stop complaining there.

I think there may be a chance i'm getting used to the idea of selective mutism. there was an article about it the other day. seemed interesting enough. shrugs. i'm beginning to dread the idea of going online to msn. it's terribly dreary to find out everyday about how many people i've lost contact with. i've just got nothing to say anymore. haha. i used to rant to these people a lot. but i'm trying to stop.

in a way i guess i've changed a lot in the past 2 weeks particularly. although everyone just thinks i'm just being some depressed kid crying out for attention. maybe i am. maybe i'm not. who really defines these things? i guess what i'm trying to say is that as long as it's not appropriate or absolutely necessary, i'll just stay out of everything. i think that's best for me, for my friends and especially the "friends" who now hate my guts.

sometimes i really wonder, what can i do to seek forgiveness? i can't even speak to them, and i sure as hell have no guts to go up to them and have a confrontation. gah. maybe i do need someone to talk to about all this. and it sure as hell is not going to be anyone religious, no professional psychiatrist or whoever. i just need a friend i suppose. a real friend. though, being left behind about 5 times before already, i can't exactly trust people much. but i tried. and i got backstabbed and threatened with it at least 5-6 times already. so screw people, seriously. i hate the world. i hate people. i hate feeling like this.

but anyways.
happy birthday nick fung, i hope you'll stop hating me soon.

signing off,
julian hallems

kris allen

2009-05-14T19:35:00.002+08:00

you have no idea how happy i am to see him in the finals. haha. ever since he sang "she works hard for her money" a few weeks back. i've been an ardent fan of his. HAVE YOU HEARD HIS VERSION OF HEARTLESS BY KANYE WEST? my god. flawless. i'm downloading the studio version as we speak. the original was already awesome, but this? this is JUST AS AWESOME.

haha. i hope he wins. Adam's falsetto's awesome. but Kris is more like the kind of music i'd listen to.

GO KRIS!

signing off,
julian hallems

51

2009-05-13T20:16:00.002+08:00

i just realised that my previous post was my 51st post on this blog. amazing.
oh and i was just researching around google. turns out the surname "hallems" is only found in Texas. haha. and to clear the misconception, you don't pronounce it as "hall-ems" it's like, "hay-lems" get it? yeah... it's weird to have my website being called "hall-ems" yeah. it's spelt like that but that don't mean it's pronounced that way!

i realise that my standard of english has been diminishing on this blog. i'm still waiting for time to do something with this complete waste of space here.

maybe i'll try making a new layout tonight. WITH a tagboard so i can figure out who reads this blog. i think it's a pretty freaky thought after all to not care who reads what i type here. because a lot of people now think i'm psychotic. haha!

signing off,
julian hallems.

maybe i really am a psychopath! oh man...

before the outage

2009-05-11T23:02:00.002+08:00

well, before today comes to a close and before Blogger goes on the outage it's warning me it'll go on at the top of my posting page...

this weekend has been pretty eventful. not in a sense that i've been studying for exams or anything like that. because the only bit of studying i'm going to do this weekend holiday is after i finish typing this post. yeah, my mid years are pretty much just, screwed?

well let's start out with Friday night shall we? I managed to sneak out to meet ______, who, by the way, left me to wait at the bus stop for half an hour in the blistering heat that is Singaporean weather. pfft. then i went to the clubhouse to talk to the BV peeps till like, 1130pm. fun.

Saturday. I lazed around in the morning whilst trying to figure out how to work Grace's camera from online manuals since she didn't have one and she didn't feel like teaching me. then we went over to Michelle's place where we began the photoshoot for my artwork. man, that was extremely fun. haha especially when the stack of unwanted papers came into the picture. [think, torn and crumpled paper, covering the floor]. It was a little weird in the beginning, She IS my cousin after all. but yeah. we started out laughing our asses off and how weird the photoshoot was. and then after about an hour everything kinda loosened and the idea of the photoshoot didn't seem so looming after all. the pictures came out great. i'm still wondering what i'm gonna do with them though. but at least i have something to fill my prep work. PHEW. so it was cab ride home and then the usual saturday routine. except i was having a bit of insomnia so i ended up making IOUs for mum and dad's birthdays. haha. :X till about 4am.

then sunday was mum's birthday. as a matter of habit, i didn't wish her. went for mass with the guys[literally, only guys, wonder what happened to all the girls] and went for lunch at this hong kong restaurantat god-knows-where. i didn't really care because the food was awesome. and i ended up overeating slightly. then it was off to my aunt's house again to get the lens cover i left behind from the photoshoot and to borrow their camera for my future use since Grace obviously does not like me using her camera to begin with. pfft. Michelle and Linette surprised mum with 5 little cakes with candles. cute. there was like, new york cheese cake, tiramisu, hearty chocolate, green tea and uhm... this other cake that i don't know what the name is. it was all good, so who cares? then i challenged Darryl to tap tap revenge 2 and i obviously trashed. though the head collision was NOT fun.... so then we went home and Mum made PORK CHOP! awesome, and i got to help make the mashed potatoes! so dinner was with grace, nicky, gail, melvin and mum. and i ended up falling asleep during charlie and the chocolate factory later that night. ah well. slept early for the first time in a long time.

then today. was the most interesting day of all. i woke up, ate breakfast. and realised i needed to shit. so i did. though that's probably something you didn't need to know. heh heh. and by the time i came of the toilet, Kenneth had already arrived at the estate. so i rushed like mad to the car park rooftop for the photoshoot session. it went pretty well, except i was so anxious about the shoot itself that i forgot to check the photos after i took them, so quite a lot of them ended up being really dark. but nevermind, it could work, gives the natural dark feel to the entire thing. shrugs. oh then it started raining! and the lighting struck on the car park like, three times? i nearly became petrified each time it struck. kenneth kept laughing at me because i kept squirming whenever the lightning struck. pfft. so we decided to leave. he had a jacket so i guess he was pretty ok going back home. save for his shoes though. SORRY KENNETH! but thanks for agreeing to the shoot to begin with! oh and the highlight, smart me decided to try to go home in the rain. went to the front of the clubhouse, and started running across the road with the camera in the pouch under my shirt. and the best thing happened to me. i slip. i catch my balance. i feel funny on my foot, and then i realise. MY SLIPPER BROKE. haiz. my only slipper from Bicol and it broke. and because i was so desperate to get to shelter, i took off my slippers, and began walking home barefoot. it was fun! though i kept worrying if i was gonna fall or not. i kinda freaked out just about everyone i passed by though. they were probably wondering why this freak's barefoot and soaking. haha. got home, showered again, and uploaded photos.

before i knew it, it was time to get ready for Gail's graduation ceremony. long story short, we got dressed, left, and got to the auditorium at Ngee Ann Polytechnic. i'm amazed at how lavish they can make these ceremonies. impressive, really. Gail got a Special Award Certificate for commendable performance. congrats Gail! and after the ceremony, we laminated the certs, ate a bit of mee siam and then made our way to the JUMBO restaurant at Serangoon Garden Country Club for mum and dad's birthday dinner. my god, 7 people, 10 DISHES. not fun. i'm still feeling like i overate and it's been like, 4 hours already. urghhh.

in summary, my weekend was filled with photos, drama, FOOD and birthdays. oh and more food, oh and more food still. i think i gained back the 5 kg i lost. urghh. it's okay. it's still exam week. i starve myself more during exams. LET'S GO LOSE THAT 5 KG AGAIN.

welcome to julian hallems, all new, improved and AMAZING.
BIGGEST LOSER JOURNEY. BEGINNING [WHEN I CAN!]

hahaha. what a load of bullshit from me

signing off,
julian hallems.

fairytales

2009-05-10T18:20:00.002+08:00

God I really hate Fairytales and happy movies with happily-ever-after storylines that always makes the perfect life seem so, achievable.

it just reminds me of how sad my life really is.
ah fuck.

signing off,
julian hallems.

ah, the occasional sadness

2009-05-09T23:26:00.001+08:00

ah, again the emotional turmoil.
things like these are so annoying.

signing off,
julian hallems

at last

2009-05-08T14:18:00.004+08:00

download here

haha at last i've finally gotten it. after 2 years. my third one. haha and oddly enough, it's with this layout. :D

[edit] DOUBLE HAPPINESS. not only do i have a sotd, i also have a skin on the all-time top rated. which, by the way. is freaking awesome. see it here

you have no clue

2009-05-06T18:11:00.003+08:00

you have no idea how many times that same sentence will haunt me when i hear it.
so many thoughts would begin to haunt me all over again.
so fuck you, fuck you very very much.

for the record, i'm not bi, i'm not homo, i am fucking hetero okay? fucking deal with the truth. if i were freaking gay, wouldn't you think i'd have a boyfriend by now? sorry to burst the bubble of your fucking homophobic mind.

heh. assholes.
julian hallems

swine flu part two

2009-05-04T23:08:00.003+08:00

i am now going to announce on my blog, my very very public blog, what just about every single secondary 4 student in Singapore is probably thinking right about now in the midst of this Influenza A pandemic.
WE ALL WANT SINGAPORE TO GO TO RED ALERT JUST SO SCHOOL WOULD CLOSE AND WE WON'T NEED TO TAKE MID YEARS TILL LATER.

haha. well, i've been trying to watch the news and read the papers everyday just eagerly anticipating how much worse this H1N1 thing can be till school closes. i think MOH is waiting for a case to appear in Singapore or something. i don't know. but the school made a "boo boo" today, in the words of ______. because they forgot to lock the side gate at the bus stop. so at 6:10am today i walked into school through that gate. and probably everyone else after me as well. haha.

i've been watching Mexico's daily comments on how they feel that just about every country in the world is "bullying" the Mexicans. They complained about China yesterday and today they've had another press conference basically talking about the same thing. no offence to Mexico, but really, they should not be so surprised about everyone else quarantining the Mexicans. it is after all the epicentre of this whole pandemic anyways. so obviously, well or unwell, all the Mexicans would be quarantined. besides, they have said that the Influenza is contagious one week before the symptoms begin to show, so even if they SEEM well, it doesn't necessarily mean that they ARE well.

ah well. global politics. i hope i never have to be a part of it.

signing off,
julian hallems.

accomplishment

2009-05-03T22:51:00.002+08:00

first up

CATS WAS AWESOME.

oh and i actually feel pretty accomplished this weekend. i might not have begun to study for every subject, but i'm proud to say that i have completed studying for Chemistry and Biology. but i am not proud to say that i've spent my entire weekend doing those two subjects that i've neglected my other subjects and my homework. it's 11pm and i'm still procrastinating doing my math papers. i'm so screwed.

I'm got everything set up for my attempt to do homework to begin, i've got my tao kae noi on the table, my worksheets nicely placed, my pencil laid across my foolscap paper, my ipod with its earphones connected to it awaiting for me to listen to it. i've drunken my Green Tea to keep me awake, and i'm perfectly alert for homework. I've sent the cover design to rovik, glad he likes them. so i should be able to start anytime now.

now, it's time to start. yep, anytime now. yeps.
ah i give up. i'll try again in 15 minutes.

STOP PROCRASTINATING MANNNNN.
julian hallems

cats

2009-05-02T11:47:00.002+08:00

feel jealous. feel very jealous. i'm watching CATS tonight. and yeah. exams are like, 4 days away i know. but hey, i missed phantom of the opera. i'm not missing this.

well with swine flu going around like a global pandemic. things are getting pretty weird in school too. and we've been testing the whole class relay system over the weekend. ah well. Jason, Michael, Joshua and everyone in their level have gone into NS and they're all bald! i still want to see photos of them though. Michael looks pretty cool with the short hair. haha.

anyways. i wanted to actually start ranting about somethings. but nah. i'm telling myself not to. so ok. i shall not. anyways. have a fun weekend everybody. my blog's completely useless to read for now.

too braindead to care really.
julian hallems.

mmmmmmmooooo

2009-04-27T22:04:00.005+08:00

i wanna label this post as mmmmmmmooooo. because the 'm' key on vic's laptop came out. so all that's there is a sad little red dot. like singapore.mmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmm

lols. she just fixed it. everyone go MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
while i go and pluck it out again. hang on.7O,;ZPBON98AP0J[-HUI82QK

k,,mjnhom vn b 7,yjgu kyx87b6za; p.NNB\MK,L,POJ7JXZP.KJMP[-099O

ok. now you see all that bullshit? tsk. tsk. tsk.
such a catfight.

and vic, guys post so short because we're all too danged lazy to type anymore. DUHHHHH. it's like so obvious. oh and beatrice is a guy.

hiatus

2009-04-26T22:19:00.001+08:00

i just wanna say.
i actually have feelings here.
screw you all.

change

2009-04-25T10:57:00.002+08:00

haha like i just told Isaac.
i needa find a way to delete all the posts on this blog whilst keeping it.
like i said like, in the beginning of the month?
i needa get rid of this commercial bullshit!
urgh. change is needed.

in the artroom

2009-04-24T15:23:00.000+08:00

thank god that the photos are gonna take a while so i actually have a chance to sit here and blog a bit. i'm in the artroom and the teacher's currently out for phototaking with the guitar ensemble. so yeah.

you know, no one should view my blog on internet explorer. because it looks so much uglier on IE. Firefox is the way to go man!

well. i'll leave this post to get longer later. ciao.

signing off,
julian hallems
wait till 10pm tonight? maybe?

one hour left

2009-04-23T12:00:00.002+08:00

now as i post this, i have about one hour left to my MC.
thank god i'm finally going to be getting out of the house at last!
72 straight hours of being stuck in the confinements of my house and i'm gonna be free soon! well, then i'm going back to the prison that is school life, but heck, at least in school there's friends.

good news, BD has agreed to be my model for art! whoo! and Kenneth Goh too! whoo. now i just need to find hmm.... 2 young adults and 1 adult. maybe i'll try asking Michelle and Linette if they wanna do it. i definitely need a better camera than the one i have now though. ah well. maybe i'll just borrow the school's one?

well, in the past 12 hours i've actually done quite a lot. i finished up all my overdue homework except for Lit and English.... which i hope to be able to do later when i get home. not forgetting that i will be working on Art later. i've also arranged everything i need to start prepping for mid years. and i'm already halfway through Social Studies. my god, even with my own notes it's till 18 pages for me to memorise. that's gonna be tough. i was looking through my timetable and the first week of exams, my major worries would be on physics, english and lit. the rest should be pretty okay i guess. i don't think i'm going to be expecting myself to excel too well for this examination. but i suppose i won't do too badly. though i know that i've missed a hellalot of lessons these past 3 days. i'm so screwed. i'm never gonna be able to catch up so much in one day. or one week even. once i go back to school later it's gonna be back to my rush hour routine. good luck to me.

Today will also mark my... 5th? consecutive parade that i've missed for band. not good.

tomorrow's also the Skill 3 SPA for Bio. am i prepared? definitely not. especially since i've done ZERO practices for Bio. crap. i hope Mr Ho can help me out later.
right now... everyone's having Math. they're probably going through sets. yet another topic where i have no clue what the hell is going on for. ah fudge.

signing off,
julian hallems.
i'm so screwed.

wondering

2009-04-22T23:12:00.002+08:00

you know, i've spent about the last 4 hours wondering about things.
i see so many people who are so sure of who they are and what kind of personality they have and how they're gonna be through their lives.
people who are able to give such well-thought out and such sound advice or even viewpoints on life that i sometimes think that will never be able to come from someone like myself.
people who have been, in my life, such an inspiration and such role models whom i look up to with great conviction.

i'm really wondering, what if i'm really not as clear about my personal self as i think i am?

question is, who am i to begin with? i have a silly online persona, i claim to have an alter ego like i'm some sort of psychopatic freak. who am i to give any inkling of sound advice?

this is so the wrong time to be questioning that. heh.

signing off,
still confused.

7 pills

2009-04-22T11:39:00.002+08:00

with great pride in my sense of sarcasm i shall announce that i officially have 7 pills to take every morning when i wake up and 7 pills to take before i go to sleep. and oh how i love shoving pills down my throat that cause me to go entirely delirious.

oh fuck illnesses and the pills that come with it. i think i've been shoving way too many pills down my throat already in these past 2 years. now apparently it's got to do with a throat infection. so the pills are there to reduce the redness? and force me into a comatic state for about 10 hours each time so i would actually stop moving about so much and actually sleep.

pfft. i hate feeling like a pig. though that'd mean i hate living for like, 70% of the time i'm awake? haha. ironic much.

anyways. i actually did something productive yesterday. i finally rearranged all my worksheets, files and books and whatever other crap i had into nice, neat, proper boxes. in a bid to somehow get me motivated to study now that everything is in nice order. i'm pretty proud of myself. it took about 3 movies long to provide me with the background noise i needed to work without feeling bored [i believe the movies were... dance of the dragon, ironman and spirited away. then i watched another cinderella story and house bunny because i needed to watch something braindead]. in other words, it took me about 6 full hours to rearrange everything. whoo. i should go take a picture. but i'm too lazy to get my camera. ah well.

i'm amazed at how much crap i actually have. the amount of paper that i'm actually throwing away goes up to my knee level. which is really amazing. oh and the initial pile was around my waist? well i was smsing chitty last night, and i realised that i actually missed the whole EZlink card replacement thingamajig. which is probably gonna cause me to have a lot of trouble because i'll probably have to go down to the stations myself and make the change to that ugly-looking new card, while they take away the card that's gone through so much over the past 4 years in my wallet. it's been in the washing machine, it's been in the pool at least 3 times. it's been in mud, been chewed by my dog. sigh, i'll miss that card.

well while i sit here having my mind rot away by the second, this blog is probably the only thing that's keeping me in touch with my sanity. though while i write this, i still don't think i'm actually that sane since the medicine's beginning to kick in and my vision has begun to get blurrer. sign for me to either sleep or get to work on math. that's the first topic i shall be focussing on for the mid years since math is pretty much easy for me to study.

then i need to work a hell a lot on physics. then chem, then biology. oh and SS too! well social studies should be easier since i already have all my notes done up since last year's and this year's tests. so i have an entire compilation of notes of the sec 3 text. which could very well save my butt. I need to start work on Art too. especially since i've changed the entire direction. i'll probably try to do that later tonight? we'll see. for now i'm gonna go shower, and bring out my pretty little box of math worksheets and sort them according to topic. lalala.

signing off,
the-still-not-quite-sane julian hallems.
ladeeda.

blogging hiatus. part one of an unsuccessful attempt

2009-04-20T21:19:00.006+08:00

status: forging war within my body

VIRUS VS SOMETHING-ELSE-THAT'S-IN-MY-BODY-FIGHTING-THE-VIRUS-BECAUSE-IT-SEEMS-MY-WHITE-BLOOD-CELLS-ARE-NOT-WORKING-TOO-WELL-AFTER-ALL

was just wondering out of utter randomness, including the fact that in the last 7 hours i've done nothing but eat, swallow like, 5 pills and then sleep. it's quite an irritating routine to notice, what would actually happen if this virus isn't just some normal flu? what if it's like psychological problem? shit, i don't want to be put under some weird rehabilitation program. or what if it's a bloody big medical condition and i'm given a time quota of how long more i can live? shit, i don't want to die! then again, maybe dying would be a good thing to all of you out there who supremely hate my guts, much as i try to be nice to you, you give me another reason why i shouldn't even bother. ah well, the bible says that we should forgive our brother seventy times seven times over. well i hope i get forgiven sometime soon too. though i don't even know what the hell i did to make them pissed off with me. ah well. i'm glad i managed to reconcile with oliver though, and yustynn too. though now i don't actually talk to them that much.

i bought a notebook the other day. plan on using it for writing my random thoughts and one liners so that i won't forget it. i think it's really quite fun to write a lot of random shizz. i can't doodle, but i always have some peculiar phrase in my head so this should help. considering that i need to come up with my portfolio for the goh sin tub literary award and also for mrs cheng to mark and see whether or not my language skills are really even all that great. i mean you can have a flare for writing, but when it comes down to it, your language skills count the most right?

ok i just realised i have been rambling for a really long time and i should stop now. surprisingly enough, this has only taken me 2 full minutes to type out. coolios. maybe my typing skills have become totally awesome and i can now type like at god speed. WHOOSH.

[i apologise for the extreme randomness. medicine that makes you drowsy does things to you. fuzzy vision sensitive to light and the constant feeling like you're floating on a cloud because the medicine's trying to make you sleep and whatever else it does. bleah.]

sometimes, maybe there is some sense in solidarity

signing off,
julian hallems.
lalalalallalalalalallaldeedaldladadada HAHAHAHAHHA. i'm delirious.

lily allen.

2009-04-18T13:34:00.005+08:00

because it's exactly the bitchy british pop music i need to hear right about now.
i especially love the 8th track "fuck you"

just a little thought.

2009-04-17T20:58:00.002+08:00

freedom is a topic that's so controversial, how's Friar going to teach it?
if freedom is having the choice to make a choice, then life is ruled my choices, so there isn't really any freedom that way isn't it? freedom and choice aren't the same thing. so how's that going to work?

on another note, you know what, i'm really exhausted.
stop scowling at me just because i don't turn up as often as you'd wish me to. don't scold me for being true to the way i am. don't think that just because you're gonna be acting that way towards me i'm going to give in to your ridiculous expectations.

for the record, my life is not going to be about band. i refuse to let it be so. so get off my back.
really, that's going a little bit too far. it's a cca, not a living. reality check, please. i'm not going to leave this school losing sight of who i am or who i could have been just because some silly frivolous people decided for me what my priorities should be.

people have been telling me to cut down on my commitments. i'm doing one right now. live with it.

signing off,
julian hallems.
the bitch is back.

just to clear my head a little

2009-04-13T14:06:00.003+08:00

first, if people are actually still reading this blog, thank you for bothering. this blog is still going to be alive, but it won't be the same person who types in it. this layout? thanks ernest. it's a temporary layout for now. there will be no more tagboard, no more links, no more profile and whatever other bullcrap there used to be.

confused? good.

i think i'm beginning to feel things i never would have felt much about before. my blog is no longer going to be some commercial bullshit where whatever i type has to be screened by some outsider who's going to eventually feel insulted about something i type and i suddenly have to find that i should censor every damn word i write. you know what, if i do that, then there's no more reason for me to even keep this blog. yeah, censorship, keep on capping my free will and creativity won't you.

my blog used to be a center for the soddy sob stories of my personal life. and maybe that's where i went wrong. so from now on, that's going to change. by the way, if you happen to find this bunch of rambling completely incomprehensible and incoherent, i apologise, i am sick and the medicine is playing tricks on my head. but no matter, this, i am very clear about. it's time for independence and it's time for a change. no more cutesy little glen, no more emo fuck glen. it's time to me to discover myself.

get on with the programme won't you.

if course, if you know me in real life, i won't have seemed to have changed in your eyes.

confused still? even better.

you know you still love me. signing off,
julian hallems.
who needs to really know who i am?

SYF2009

2009-04-02T15:26:00.000+08:00

GOLD with HONOURS.
now, we can brag.

gong gong

2009-03-27T10:08:00.002+08:00

i can't cry anymore. i want to, but i can't.
gong gong, i never got the chance to know you more.
you never got the chance to see me complete my o levels,
gong gong, i pray you'll be at peace.
everyone misses you a lot.
mum won't stop crying.
ah yee won't sleep.
they both won't eat.
i know you're watching over all of us.
take care of mum and ah yee.
take care of linette too. you know how much she loved you.

STEPHEN BOEY WONG YAN
24.01.1929 - 26.03.2009
rest in peace

381 psa

2009-03-24T13:55:00.001+08:00

he's getting that much closer to leaving us
now i know how Liz Tan feels
maybe i'm regretting i didn't get to know him as well as i should have
or maybe i should just be comforted that he's going home
that he's going to be living in God's loving embrace
i don't know anymore
but is it just me, or is life just getting harder and harder to get by?

i don't think i have the strength to pretend i'm a mature young adult anymore. i just don't. so let me be a kid and not feel guilty about it. i think right about now i deserve to at least feel like this. i can't be strong enough to come and give a show that i'm fine when i'm not. right about now i don't have the stength to keep telling myself it'll all be better. right about now, i don't have the capability to say that i can handle it. because truth is, i can't. i really can't. and that's pissing me off.

breakdown

2009-03-22T11:24:00.001+08:00

i guess it begins now.
all over again.
don't ask.

the show

2009-03-21T00:20:00.003+08:00

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

well it's 12:30am and instructors course is still underway.
i think right about now i have a really big decision to make. and that is to actually figure out where exactly i want to be aiming for and what exactly i want to do in my life. I've been dragging this decision for a very long time and Chai has been filling my head with the whole idea of IB. and you know what, it's working, i'm honestly and seriously considering it. the thought of having to mug for 2 more years about subject theory at A levels have seriously made me consider the idea of the project-based IB programme. i've never been much of a theory person, but yet i keep on trying anyways. maybe the IB is really more suited for me after all?

and then there's the whole thing about needing to convince mum and dad about IB. dad seems pretty open to it, but mum completely cancelling out the option for me. am i going to be disobeying if i seriously consider IB? no idea.

and i guess i still haven't really figured out who i am to begin with. my entire life and all my thoughts have been filled with the influences and thoughts about what other people say about me. i'm trying to remember how many times i had actually considered things by myself, for myself. what am i? who am i? what am i aiming for? how am i going to be like in the future? all these questions that generated during the Bicol trip. 3 months post-return, the questions are still lingering in my void of a head. i really am not sure what to think now. take things one step at a time? but it's my O Level year, how can i not plan for the future? follow my instincts? what if i have no gut feeling on the matter?

how is it possible that a person can actually have no thoughts about an issue. yet be able to effectively give an intelligent answer. is it because i've been simply regurgitating whatever people tell me that i should be saying? how have i been ruling my life? my life has been filled with so many different situations and many a time i always take an outsider's opinion to heart. what if my resolve isn't strong enough? what will happen then? am i truly maturing? or am i stagnating at the current level of my mental capacity?

i have a lot of things that i need to sort out soon. a lot of conflicts i need to find ways to resolve. a lot of self-discovery to have. dammit. this isn't the right year to be having such an identity crisis.

painkillers

2009-03-16T11:13:00.002+08:00

woohoo. after a full month off the painkillers and the anti-depressants. i'm back on it again. the chest pains came again yesterday evening.

oh the joy.

death knocking

2009-03-15T09:14:00.002+08:00

all it took was that slight scent of temptations
all it took was one single opportunity grasped
before they knew it, it was stolen
stolen into the arms of the dashing prince charming

what happens next, the hero continues
what else to do, the villian plots
as satan watches closesy over his victims
and God begins to quiver away

where did they go wrong, the smiling town
facades of the good and the excellent
truth within the inner walls
faces of happier people, running through the houses

woe, the deed is done
the mistake is made
the regret has come
what else can a person say

when you feel like you touched heaven
yet you realise it was hell
the pit of death that drags you in
deludes you in the face of pleasures.

what else could be done?
a kiss, a hug to save the day?
hoping that they'd show mercy
all at the hands of fate

just when you thought that things were solved
one foolish act, one weak resolve
and woe to thee, thy heart is scorned
and woe to thee, thy strength forgone

what is your identity
what is your stand
what is your mission
who is your man

in the darkest corners of the land
sin commits in multiple ways
inevitable as the rising sun
the stain on your soul is clear.

give up now
give up dear
there's no other way out
from the sin and hurt you've caused

ah screw it.

all you bloody __________

2009-03-06T20:33:00.002+08:00

___, you're a bitch.
so much for _____ spirit.
an activity comes along and no one gives a effing shit.
so screw it. screw you all.

if this blog wasn't public.
none of those blanks would be there.

who knew

2009-03-01T09:42:00.006+08:00

with the words i always held inside of me
i held my emotions inside my tears
my vulnerability always got the better of me
just as i thought i had gotten it right

before i knew it
everything just came tumbling down again
and the tears that weren't supposed to fall
tempt me, incite me, destroy me

time to work baby

2009-02-27T19:56:00.002+08:00

ok so i've been pretty dead lately with all the events going on and all. i haven't really been able to keep track of what i'm supposed to be doing. and i think i lost contact with really, a lot of people because i simply haven't got the time to go online to talk to people. then again, i don't actually think people are bothered too much as to whether or not i'm there for them to talk to or not. I'm a really dispensible[sp?] person everywhere i am. so yeah. sad life.

you know, i actually really really want to get that LDSA award. and the Goh Sin Tub literary award. so i'm making a resolution. from now onwards every post will either contain a picture or a short story, or a section of a bigger story. yeah. how that related it any way, no idea really.

oh and remember anomalous.co.nr? well. i'm trying to fix it into something like a portfolio. so yeah. we'll see. i think i'll be pretty free for a while. unless i failed common tests then i may be banned from my computer altogether. heh.

signing off,
boy-who's-oh-so-screwed.
GLEN.

in summary

2009-02-26T23:12:00.002+08:00

well i haven't been here in a week. anyone miss me out there? haha.
well basically it's been common test week. and i finished mine today. so i'm back to blogging a little.

Has any significant incident occured thus far? not really, no. life's been pretty much made up of going to school later than usual, studying for common tests and then going off to flunk the papers. after flunking the papers it'd just be a silent day. oh unless you count being sabotaged to swim competitive for mass swim. damn you Fung. well they weren't willing to take me off the listing. so i'm stuck. and of all people, i'm swimming with jun kai, vivek and keith. i mean, no offence to anyone but like, what kind of team is this compared to the other team of Fung, Gewei, Leonard and Mahdi? so ridiculous.

well, i've begun to take up reading for a hobby again. that's good i suppose. i haven't exactly been reading these past 4 years. so i just finished reading "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time" and now i'm on to "sophie's world" which was a book my sis recommended me to read. meanwhile i'm attempting to get myself in shape. or at least lose the fat. meanwhile i am also writing 1 big story and 1 short story which would be for the competition. the other for leisure, and i also need to finish writing CONTACT. i think i owe that to both Kevin and Jeremy. so sorry for pushing it off so much these past 2 years. i'll try to finish it before i begin mugging for O's.

Things in my life are getting a little more complicated i suppose. but honestly, i couldn't give squat about it. I mean, as long as i don't really give a shit, i probably won't be feeling so messed up right?

when going for mass becomes really painful. and morning prayers become dreadful. you know your faith's in trouble... oh the story of my life.

just a thought

2009-02-20T19:59:00.003+08:00

bye bye my friend.
i can't live without you
our love was never meant to be.

it was this korean song i was hearing from one of my mum's korean dramas. pretty meaningful lyrics when you think about it.

today was a pretty good day, i'm gonna be meeting up with bee later. it's her birthday today! ivan and justin are coming along too but she doesn't know it yet. haha. i think life outside school is beginning to pick up just that little bit more. it's either that, or these relaxant pills really work like a charm.

parent's aren't allowing me to go to band tomorrow on account that common tests are like next monday. so i'll be spending my saturday studying? maybe i can call bee to come and join me again or something. heh. sorry hao teng! i can't help you for SS tomorrow. maybe another day?

i haven't felt this neutral in a while. then again, i forced myself off the relaxant pills for the past week. and i've been miserable. oh please tell me i have to rely on steroids to keep me happy. that's just stupid.

then again. stupid's the only thing that works.

just for laughs

2009-02-19T21:33:00.003+08:00

ivan, you're officially one of the scariest people i know. danny gokey fan. lols.

my blog is so dead

2009-02-18T20:47:00.002+08:00

ok. so my blog's been really dead. no time to really post something proper. maybe another time. meanwhile i'm back to my tall pile of homework. oh and checking up on Josh's escapade with the crushed snail. it's pretty hilarious.

bye bye. see you after Common Tests.
GLEN.

JUNIOR! SHUT UP WILL YOU

2009-02-15T08:04:00.005+08:00

oh my god... Nikki's dog is seriously driving me up the wall! he's been barking and whining for 3 hours. NON-STOP. it woke me up, and now HE WON'T SHUT UP. OH GOD SAVE ME.

well valentine's day was, eventful?
had band to start the day, and masterclass pissed the hell out of me. and after i got the cut on my finger, it was almost seemingly the start to a really bad day. but things got a little better i suppose. went to eat subway with the section, then went to ben and jerry's for the merlionster. Hao Teng got us a discount! then i came home, finished up the layout you see now and then Ivan messaged, asking if i wanted to go out tonight. so i finished the kent ridge paper and left the house to meet Beatrice and we made our way to Thomson plaza. where we met Ivan, rented 2 movies, bought a family feast at KFC then went over to Ivan's house. oh and i found out another person doesn't like me around. wonderful...

so we walked over to Ivan's house and then we ate, watched the movie. a weird way to spend valentine's night. I left at Midnight. and yada yada yada. i will not bother to be any more "deep" about my day because i know there's no real point. i should just change this to a storytelling blog and nothing about life. heh.

ah, who gives a shit. today's the SCH rehearsal. let's hope for the best.

signing off,
GLEN.

friday the 13th

2009-02-13T19:17:00.002+08:00

oh. i just realised today is friday the 13th.
maybe that's why today i've been feeling so cheesed off. or maybe i need restart on the whole anti-depressant pills. pfft
today was track and field meet. and i got there at 0620 when the meet starts at 0720. like, omg. but after walking around for a while, i found josiah, and peter making the fintan shields. then when i went into the stadium again, i got my face painted by mahdi and got sent on face-painting duty. MO was being a real big bitch about it and caused the paintbrush to fall onto my pe shirt. like freak, it was a new shirt michael! spent the rest of the day being multi-housed. and only began cheering properly near the end. and we won house cheers. GO LAWRENCE. i think the best parts of today was the teacher's race and having a good talk with Keenan. oh and the section lunch after. thanks guys, i was having a pretty miserable day otherwise.

i mean, it's days like these when you kinda realise who your friends actually are. or rather, whether you have friends or not. it was actually really miserable to be sitting and not talking at all despite the fact you know like nearly half the people who were around you. and the friends you thought you could count on to be there with you to share the agony were off chatting with other people or wandering around without you. that sucks, big time. no matter, i think i'm getting used to the idea of being a loner. i guess i'm the kind of person who has nothing more to say, and no one really has things to say to me either. i'm just that queer little kid in the corner eh? the kid who's always there but who gives a shit anyways?

I think in the past few weeks i've really seen the true colours of a lot of people. and i don't really think that's turning out to be a good thing.

honestly, i'm giving up. so forget it, looks just like i'm on my own again.

and now i'm ranting. crap. shut up glen. no one needs to know anything. just shut up and deal with your own problems. just like what everyone's secretly BEGGING you to do in their hearts. just shut up and deal with your own problems asshole.

signing off,
GLEN.

too many birthday's

2009-02-09T12:12:00.005+08:00

there are way too many people with their birthday's in February.

1st Feb - Daniel Seow + Kelly Tseng + Shaun Quek + Bryan Lum
4th Feb - Lionel Low + Ge Wei
5th Feb - Chin Hao
6th Feb - Dylan Teoh + Jared Monteiro
7th Feb - Joseph Goh
8th Feb - Brandon Young
9th Feb - Bryan David
10th Feb - Jason Cheong
18th Feb - Raphael Lee
21st Feb - Justin Soong
22nd Feb - Bryan Ong
24th Feb - Timothy Lee
28th Feb - Matthew Tan

have i missed out anyone? haha 4th to 10th. my goodness.
well today's BD's birthday!!!!!
but i'm sick! but heck, i'm gonna go out with him anyways later. well, after i see the doctor i hope. haha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYAN! thanks for being one of my best friends for the past 2 years!

stop asking

2009-02-08T09:09:00.002+08:00

i was just reading rovik's blog and it got me thinking. haven't been thinking lately, so this is good! maybe sleeping for 12 hours can do some good once in a while.

the idea of blogging being sensitive, where every post must be carefully planned out in order not to offend other people in one way or another. I do that too. well, most of the time at least.
just so all of you know, i censor my posts in such a way where i try my best to avoid being asked "are you okay?". of course, that ends up quite disasterously. i realise one very notable trait about myself is that i tend to show my emotions in my actions and in the expression on my face. i have no real idea whether that's a good or a bad thing really. honestly, i don't like being asked whether or not i'm okay. okay, i'll be really honest here, i used to love the fact that people cared about me, but now, it has just become an irritance. and like i've said before, i've begun to keep my relationships with people at a very superficial level. Maybe i won't be making any new friends or forging stronger bonds with many friends either, but i think for now, that may be the best thing to do. There's an urge inside me that tells me to do otherwise, but i think i need to be alone. I don't want to keep hurting the people around me, the ones who i care for. I don't want to lose any more friends.

Blogging began as an online journal. now it's become like some publicity tool. where all of a sudden the viewpoints of people towards your writings become so important. what kind of journal is that then?

signing off,
GLEN.

poem 02

2009-02-07T18:30:00.005+08:00

POEM 02
written 7th February 2009

words.

what more is there to be said
thoughts.
consuming every inch of my soul.

hurt.
how much deeper can it go
love. torment.
differences between them so minimal

is this called independence?
is this called love?
i think i'm running away
for fears unknown and words unspoken

muttered as the curtain closes
of secrets a world sleeps amongst
the illusion of cluelessness
the angst festering in the heart

four walls that bind you
four walls that tell you you're all alone
four walls that trap you
four walls that strive for insanity

the need to escape
the urge to cry
the feeling of solitude
the graces of silence

who else was there to turn to
who else was there to burden
the guilt that struck that poor child
a child made to see the world as a man

of opportunities untaken
regrets deemed useless
chances pounced upon
wounds never healing

when faith begins to dim
and hope flitters away
joy already extinguished
candles in the wind

hello God,
are you there.
would you help me
i need your embrace

hello God,
won't you tell me why
why all the daggers
are piercing through my back

hello God,
i know my delinquence
won't you forgive me
the lessons are too hard

hello God,
please grant my appeal
of forgiveness
and reconciliation

i admit to be guilty as charged.
just how long more can i pretend to be happy with my life.

revelation

2009-02-03T23:44:00.002+08:00

wow. i just weighed myself. and by some kind of miracle, i lost 5kg. No idea how that's ever possible but i'm 67kg once again. i'm very much amazed and amused at myself right now.
well i got a 20 for my essay on the whole cross-tradition marriage thing, which is pretty okay i suppose.
right now i am supposed to be finishing up the Literature presentation for tomorrow. However, my internet connection being my internet connection, simply does not want me to do so. Why you may ask? i do not know. How do i know? Because the download is perpetually stuck at 3%, and this is my 11th try at downloading it. beauty eh.

oh well. looks like i'm sleeping late tonight. wish me luck.

signing off,
GLEN.

2009-02-02T22:46:00.002+08:00

Up All Night
by Take That

Sometimes I see your face looking at me
All your love and grace smiling at me
All the things we had and never understood
At times it cuts me up thinking of you
All the hope I've got wasted on you
All the talks we had never did no good

Oh baby I don't need you to save me
I just want you to help me cos you're keeping me up all night
I'm so tired of waiting
Waiting here for nothing
I should be up all night with you

Pour another glass
WHile I watch the bottle disappear
While I watch the morning light appear
Thinking about you

Oh baby I don't need you to save me
I just want you to help me cos you're keeping me up all night
I'm so tired of waiting
Waiting here for nothing
I should be up all night with you

Oh baby I don't need you to save me
I just want you to help me cos you're keeping me up all night
I'm so tired of waiting
Waiting here for nothing
I should be up all night with you

I met this girl last night and she said
'Why won't you marry me?'
He met this girl last night and she said
'Why won't you marry me?'

But I'm too young for that
Too dumb for that
Too broke for that
Too tired for that
Too proud for that
And I'm too gone for that
Would you like to come back to my flat?

Oh baby I don't need you to save me
I just want you to help me cos you're keeping me up all night
I'm so tired of waiting
Waiting here for nothing
I should be up all night with you

Oh baby (oh baby) I don't need you to save me
I just want you to help me cos you're keeping me up all night
(Why don't you do that for me?)
I'm so tired of waiting
Waiting here for nothing
I should be up all night with you

Come on just say you'll stay

Peter, thanks a lot for this morning. I know you probably won't be reading this at all, but no matter, thanks a lot anyways. At least i know i can always count on you no matter what.
He came back today, couldn't help it. I needed to hide.

signing off,
julian hallems. back once more

happy birthday

2009-02-01T09:31:00.002+08:00

before i do anything else,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE 4 BIRTHDAY
KIDDIES/OLD FARTS!

(in order of age)
BRYAN LUM [15th]
KELLY TSENG [16th]
DANIEL SEOW [16th]
SHAUN QUEK [19th?]

yay. ok now to the real post. :D

well, i was having one of my weird mood swings last night, and then i had the weirdest dream last night that made me shiver and cry in my sleep, but that's besides the point.
something about last night over at Daniel's made me rethink the conversation i had with Peter before after sec 1 campfire. and maybe Peter's right, i really need to stop pretending to be someone i'm really not whenever friends are around. something's gotta change. i make myself abide by what people think of me, and i act that way just to let them feel like they're right about me. but inside me i slap myself thinking what the hell i'm doing. I not that guy you all see when i'm bitchy, gay or whatever. you could call that the alter ego that was formed because of what everyone's said about me before. i need to get rid of that other side of my personality. i need to get away from all the poodles shit. i need to get my real self back out there.

signing off,
GLEN.
and make no mistake about it.

broken strings

2009-01-28T20:13:00.004+08:00

ok, obviously, i shouldn't really be here typing. i should be getting on to doing my homework i owe from the CNY holidays. but then again, it's me, since when do i not procrastinate?
i've decided to begin revision for O Levels this friday. let's go study machine! i need to revise all my sec 3 work again, so i'm gonna try to get a headstart on that...
well, i'm sorry i can't give a nice post on what's actually going on in my head lately, and why i've been distracted and eventually dozing off in class all the time. there's a reason, not a very good one, but a reason all the same i suppose.

you can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything...

signing off,
julian hallems

a little too not over you

2009-01-25T14:48:00.000+08:00

a little too not over you
by David Archuleta

It never crossed my mind at all
That's what i tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else
It's for the best, i know it is
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you
Not over you

Memories
Supposed to fade
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn't think it be this hard
Should be strong
Moving on
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe i regret
Everything i said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now i'm on my own
How i let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand
Yeah, oooh, oooh, oooh
Oooooooh
Oh
Ooooh, oh

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
And i really don't know what to do

I'm just a little too not over you
Not over you

and it's songs like these that make me cry. dammit.

whatever

2009-01-24T18:10:00.000+08:00

oh, insufferable little bitches aren't you?
don't pull your bullshit here with me, faggot.
i'm not taking this with a fake smile plastered on my face. i don't want to see your faces, i don't want to eat at the same table as you, i'm ashamed to be called catholic alongside you.
so go and have yourselves a very happy chinese new year.
and please, stop pretending to be cool in front of me, pulling your bullshit sarcasm to my face when i know what you do behind my family's back.

hypocritical bastards.

you do something to one of my family members, you incur my wrath. and trust me, for this? your family will NEVER be forgiven. as long as i shall live, i will live with this intense hatred. though i may not be showing it too obviously yet, and i emphasise on "yet", believe me, your bullshit is plastered on your faces, you can't hide it.

to everyone else who's not involved with this post,

happy chinese new year.

feel

2009-01-14T21:02:00.000+08:00

you know, i haven't felt like this in a long time. and now that i'm feeling it, it really kinda sucks. because all of a sudden i feel like crying all over again. i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to feel like as though my life is so screwed up. i don't want to keep feeling like i'm alone, like i have no one to turn to. i'm sorry for sounding so much like a petty little kid here being selfish and all just talking about myself and everything even though my problems to most would be really quite mild. However i really needed to sort some things out in my head.
I'm beginning to get the feeling like i'm losing all my friends and i don't really know why. Because i'm still being the overbearing bitch i try not to be? because i stepped on too many toes? made too many mistakes? i just wish i knew why i'm feeling like this. i'm on my brink again. is it the stress?
i don't know. but i'm really feeling quite useless right now. i want to cry though i know i shouldn't. i want to release myself where no one can see but where? i want to sit by and do nothing. i want to die.

if you hate me too. please tell me.

what am i supposed to say?

2009-01-11T13:49:00.000+08:00

i don't actually know how i'm supposed to be feeling right now. I've been feeling pretty tiresome lately. i'm also beginning to really hate going to school all over again. It's getting to feel like I'm some new kid in school that everyone loves to hate. No idea whether or not to feel angry or lonesome.

Hearts Aflame

2009-01-03T21:33:00.000+08:00

heyo everyone. this blog will be on hiatus until i find the time to sort out the entire layout.
i plan to open up like,a homepage like thing. still working on the image.
so you may ignore this blog for now. i'll be back when it's done.

meanwhile. a little, reminisence of Ivan's birthday for me to laugh at.

this is by far my FAVOURITE picture.

hello orgasm-face! :D

btw, the person hugging him was me, but that's not the point.

happy new year

2009-01-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

well it's the new year!
and as much as i know that no one looks at this blog right now. i'll still blog! i'm working on 3 skins now. but i can't find the time to work on it. i needa pick up photoshop and my horn again. this is hard.
but oh well. new year, new blog, new opportunities!

of resolutions never fufilled

2008-12-25T16:51:00.000+08:00

alas, life seemed to me like the most fragile thing in the world
like a child who's lost his way, fearing the worst of solitude
the want for independence, the need for dependence
a choice that never seems to be ours to make
yet the world keeps spinning around nonetheless
and the people keep walking on in the end
but somehow there's this yearning within my soul
the feeling that something doesn't seem right at all
and then, the realisation of the truth, the epiphany of clarity
a resolution broken and forgotten, the moment the lights were blown
and a feeling that struck the heart never left that evening
a resolution, a promise made to set things right
a resolution, a promise made simply impossible to keep
a hurt, made by the absence of words on a screen
of 3 simple words that was never received
a birthday wish met, yet not truly fufilled
a promise of chances, yet never really approaching
alas, life seemed to me like the most fragile things in the world
and to keep it safe from harm regardless physical or emotional
a challenge never triumphed, and a hope always flickering in the minds of the naive

this was written 4th December 2008. Happy Birthday to me